Larry Wilson And His Weekends With Bernie: A Profile In Psychopathy

Much to the chagrin of my friends, loved ones, and random passersby who happen to be in earshot while I'm recalling the franchise, both Weekend at Bernie's films have been part of my lexicon for as long as I can remember. Weekend at Bernie's (1989) and Weekend at Bernie's II (1993) tell the story of Richard Parker (Jonathan Silverman) and Larry Wilson (Andrew McCarthy), two young professionals who stumble into the complicated affairs of their boss, Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser). 

While the story starts off as a reasonably amusing romp about two scamps and their dreams of endless spring breaking, it quickly takes the darkest of turns when Larry (one of the most casually sinister and calculating characters in film history) decides to capitalize on Bernie's demise. After pointing out to Bernie earlier in the film that someone in their company has been embezzling money through fraudulent insurance policies, Richard and Larry discover Bernie's been murdered upon arriving at his vacation home in the Hamptons. 

Determined not to let their opportunity for luxuriation pass by, Larry convinces himself and, even more disturbingly, his best friend Richard, to desecrate the corpse in hopes of fooling Bernie's other numerous weekend guests into believing that their host and benefactor is still alive. After all, it's worth it because Larry "needs to get laid" and reporting a murder will result in paperwork, effectively torpedoing the boys' weekend getaway.

Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you to look into the face of one Larry Wilson, the true villain of the Weekend at Bernie's franchise:

e.g. One evil son of a bitch.

Before I step back into the ninth circle of Hell with Larry, allow me to offer some context for my relationship with these films. As I stated up top, both movies are among some of my earliest cinematic memories. I saw Weekend at Bernie's 2 (or W@B2, if you'll indulge the abbreviation) first and repeatedly thanks to reruns of it all over basic cable when I was young. I didn't see the first Weekend at Bernie's (W@B) until one New Year's Eve when I rented it on VHS along with the original Spawn film. I didn't realize it at the time, but despite having a murderous shape-shifting clown and Satan as villains, Spawn still has a more optimistic view of the human condition than Weekend at Bernie's.

I came to appreciate and enjoy the first film more than the second given its simpler premise and darkly effective slapstick humor. Both movies rely on the audience's acceptance of a dead body being subjected to increasingly shocking and disrespectful scenarios for the benefit of the two hapless protagonists. I still laugh at a lot of the stuff in these movies and I will always adore Bernie's now (somewhat) famous dance moves in W@B2, but my recent re-watch of both forced me to confront the psychotic nature of Larry and how he uses his mania to manipulate Richard into committing some very serious crimes:

Ted Kotcheff, who directed one of the best action dramas of all time, First Blood (1982), stepped up to direct Weekend at Bernie's in 1989 because, you know, that makes sense. What both First Blood and Weekend at Bernie's have in common is their unyielding gaze into mortality, but they part ways on how much weight that carries. W@B endures in pop culture due to nostalgia and countless references in movies and TV shows. How I Met Your Mother, The Simpsons, Will and Grace, The Office, and many others have referred back to, and, in some cases, fully parodied the events of the first film. 

While not quite a bonafide universal classic, W@B has its audience (including me, I own both movies), so let me be clear: Taking these films too seriously is not the point of this article. Instead, as someone who enjoys this franchise for what it is, I'm reconciling the assumption the writer, Robert Klane, made about his audience in the late 80s and early 90s. Back then, tasteless humor wasn't played up for irony as much as it is in modern cinema. While both movies are certainly self aware, they earnestly bank on the audience rooting for a horny con artist and his put upon, straight-laced pal. Yes, they may be committing multiple crimes including but not limited to the wholly unnecessary cover-up of a murder they didn't commit and the subsequent misuse and abuse of the deceased's body, but there's constant steel drum music playing, how wacky!

A paragon of virtue in the late 1980s

It's easy to imagine a version of this made in 2019 that focuses more heavily on the moral repercussions of tossing around a corpse for kicks, so I appreciate how unencumbered the comedy is as a result. Even so, Klane attempts to ease the audience's guilt at enjoying the macabre just a bit more by revealing that in life, Bernie intended to have Richard and Larry murdered because the  embezzlement they discovered was actually being committed by Bernie himself. Bernie gets offed instead because the mobsters he attempted to hire for the job find him too unpredictable as a business partner. Oh, and Bernie was sleeping with the mob boss's wife.

And the mob boss's name? Vito. Yep.

But you know what? The boys didn't know Bernie was a bad dude when they found his body. As far as they're concerned, he was their awesome boss who invited them to his huge house for a weekend of partying so he could discuss promoting them. Even with that mindset, Larry wastes no time deciding that they shouldn't call the police but instead "honor" Bernie's wishes by keeping the party going. Richard ultimately agrees because Gwen, Richard's love interest, happens to be visiting the Hamptons that weekend as well.

Richard has questionable morality, no doubt. He struggles with his decisions throughout both movies, but ultimately caves into Larry's way of thinking every time because Larry is the Alpha in this situation. Larry's a turd on wheels, to be sure, but he's also assertive. And psychotic. Bernie may have ordered their execution, but Larry goes from fun-loving (presumed) Lothario, to cadaver puppetry enthusiast on the drop of a dime.

 Someone's prepared his whole life for this.

If the the first movie was all we ever got, I wonder how much more or less it would have been regarded. Weekend at Bernie's did quite well grossing over $30 million on a $15 million budget. That's some solid yuppie-era scratch. Given its simple plot and setting, a sequel didn't need to be terribly complicated and yet it took four years for Robert Klane to draft, produce, and ultimately direct Weekend at Bernie's II.

By 1993, the appetite for Bernie hosting more weekends had certainly waned. The sequel managed to amass over $12 million on a $7 million budget, but that minor feat wasn't enough to keep the series afloat. W@B2's bananas premise also couldn't have helped with the marketing.

In the sequel, Richard and Larry decide to again abduct Bernie's corpse, this time directly from the NYC morgue.

That's a serious crime.

This movie goes all in on not caring about beating the shit out of a corpse for comedic effect. While the first had some funny gags featuring Bernie smacking into walls, falling off ledges, and slamming into a series of buoys, W@B2 kicks things off with Larry stomping Bernie's corpse into a suitcase so that he and Richard can use Bernie's identity to access a safety deposit box in the Virgin Islands that may or may not contain the cash from Bernie's embezzlement scheme in the first film.

They manage to successfully smuggle Bernie's body into St. Thomas where they check into a luxury hotel and transfer Bernie into the mini-fridge by mercilessly kicking him until he fits. Even though it was their idea to implement this scheme, Larry and Richard seem severely inconvenienced by hauling Bernie's now decaying body across international waters. Bernie has the audacity to smell like rot, so they spray him with deodorant and hope for the best. Once safely stowed in the fridge, Larry decides it's time to hit the island and live the high life he knows he deserves!

Oh yeah, Bernie's a dancing voodoo zombie in this one.

That's right. I failed to mention that Larry and Richard are completely unaware that Bernie's been partially reanimated by dime store voodoo. As a result, Bernie walk-dances towards an unseen treasure whenever music is playing nearby. Some criminals caught wind of Bernie's supposed hidden dough and figured the most practical method of tracking it down was hiring some voodoo magicians. That makes sense.

Despite this interesting magic wrinkle, the film tends to repeat a lot of gags from the first movie and ups the ante on others. Critics have never been kind to it, and I understand why. This sequel is contrived, ridiculous, offensive, and unabashedly dumb. I also love re-watching it.

Terry Kiser who plays Bernie somehow manages to be the underrated player in this franchise. Despite being a dead man, Kiser nails aspects of physical comedy that have been a rarity since the silent era of cinema. In the first film, Kiser excels in the role with an effortless malleability that begs one to question how the filmmakers pulled off some of the stunts. A mannequin was used for major action shots in both films, but Kiser gets plenty of close-ups and really shines in Part 2 with his trademark dancing.

Kiser has to continuously find ways to dance himself out of one situation and arrive in another, the whole time maintaining his unflappable smirk. This culminates in a rather astonishing underwater sequence in which Bernie march-dances to his treasure on the ocean floor while Larry and Richard pursue him in scuba gear. The coordination and photography in that sequence really stand out, so I wanted to give the filmmakers their due.

Well done.

The dancing leads to some amusing and at times hilarious situations, but there is a laser focus on punishing Bernie's corpse as much as possible. In addition to getting stomped into a suitcase and mini-fridge, Bernie also gets punched in the face, receives numerous blows to the head and groin, is bitten by a shark while snagged to a flyaway para-sail, shot through the head with a harpoon, and is finally mounted to a carriage intended for horses and directed by Larry who cackles with delight at his own ingenious plan to use Bernie as a means of transportation.

Larry and Richard ultimately emerge from this insane situation relatively unscathed and experience little to no repercussions for their horrendous crimes.

You know who does pay? Barry Bostwick.

Dammit, Bernie, I love you!

Bostwick has a thankless villain role in W@B2. He follows and photographs Larry and Richard throughout their travels in hopes of exposing their involvement in Bernie's scheme. In this movie, Bostwick is doing his job and that should be a good thing. He wants to catch these criminals red-handed but every time he gets close, he's somehow implicated in the crimes himself and ultimately deemed insane for claiming he keeps seeing the deceased Bernie Lomax dancing around St. Thomas.

In essence, Bostwick pays for the crimes of Larry and Richard. Larry almost redeems himself (somewhat) when the blood of a virgin is required to save Richard from voodoo poison. Instead of Larry's virginity garnering sympathy from the audience, it shines a light on his pathological behavior up until this point in the second movie. His desperation for sex, status, money, and limitless pleasure is glaringly obvious long before they pull the virgin blood gag which was very popular in 1993.

Weekend at Bernie's II and Hocus Pocus released on July 9 and July 16, 1993, respectively, so moviegoers who happened to see both that year must have marveled at how much better Hocus Pocus used that joke to service the story:

Larry also overcompensates for his now exposed virginity by buying a yacht staffed with scantily clad women. How does he swing this, you ask? Well, Bernie did end up dancing all the way to $3 million in a treasure chest on the bottom of the ocean. Because the authorities were only looking for a reported $2 million, Larry skims a cool mill off the top for himself and clears his conscience by paying the $8K of bills he's racked up on Bernie's credit card during this entire morbid affair.

Let me be clear: Larry is a sick and dangerous person. I argue that he's psychotic because he's calculating, unfeeling, and at times euphoric while traipsing Bernie's dead body up and down the eastern seaboard. And at the end of it all, karma rewards him with a million bucks.

What the hell?

Despite my criticisms, I still laugh at these movies. They're not all-time greats by any stretch, but they remain fascinating installments in comedic film history. There are almost innumerable examples of dead bodies being used for humor in film and television. A more recent example of such a film would be Swiss Army Man (2016), a bizarre but sincere comedy about a lonely man befriending a flatulent corpse. I didn't love this film, but I enjoyed it and appreciated its big swings. It also treated the corpse in that film with a bit more humanity.

I suppose I'm conditioned like many others to be more sensitive to questionable morality in cinema when I revisit older films. It's not that I'm shocked or remotely offended by Weekend at Bernie's, but rather that I'm fascinated with where we were as a film audience when these films released. I also just find them to be delightfully bizarre and Terry Kiser's physical comedy is top notch.

I think Weekend at Bernie's could be remade as a more thoughtful comedy today while still raising the bar on the dark slapstick humor. I'll always be happy to revisit the originals with a matching Bernie smirk on my face, but I'll do it with a watchful eye fixed on Larry Wilson because he's one shifty and dangerous son of a bitch.

Somewhere beyond the sea,

Somewhere waiting for me

Episode II: Attack of the Hormones

Good tidings and many thanks if you're reading this after my revisiting of The Phantom Menace. If you haven't yet, click on Episode I to catch up on my first review of the Star Wars saga. I continue my journey today with Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, a film that, much like its predecessor, provides bountiful opportunities for fans to commit seppuku with a lightsaber to the chest. Also like Menace, Clones does have fleeting moments of clarity and poignance but in lieu of Jar Jar Binks, the scourge of this chapter is the abundant lack of chemistry between the hormonal Anakin Skywalker and the stoic Padme Amidala. Ignoring their initial age difference in Episode I, I had no issue with their courtship playing a role in Clones. They're Luke and Leia's parents so I expected to see how they fell in love, but the daytime soap opera concocted by George Lucas did nothing but strain credulity till the very end.

That moment when your butthole apprentice falls out of the speeder.

Attack of the Clones released in May of 2002. As a geek, I was on cloud nine. The Fellowship of the Ring had released six months prior and I couldn't believe I was seeing a new Star Wars movie in the same year. I was tripping on Death Sticks that summer as I ended up seeing Clones four times in theaters. It wasn't until that fourth viewing that I really started listening to the dreck coming out of Hayden Christensen's mouth. My Star Wars blinders had me laser focused on the cool new characters like Count Dooku and Jango Fett, not to mention the unexpected majesty of Yoda's first onscreen ligthsaber duel.

I have this distinct memory of seeing Jack Osbourne of all people at Skywalker Ranch during some kind of MTV premiere for Episode II. When asked what he thought, Osbourne exclaimed that Clones was his favorite Star Wars movie since Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. I know most people aren't concerned with former reality stars' opinions of Star Wars, but I don't doubt Osbourne's genuine love of the series and I think his opinion at the time is indicative of what many fans felt. Here was another Star Wars movie that still fell short of the Original Trilogy's magic, but it continued to expand the Star Wars galaxy while ushering in an iconic era: The Clone Wars. It's difficult to condemn something new (albeit flawed) when a world we love becomes larger.

Let's focus on the wins in Clones.

COUNT DOOKU aka DARTH TYRANUS. Wait, there's a new villain? He's a Sith but was formerly a Jedi? And he was Qui-Gon's master? Whoa! To top it all off, Dooku is played by the late, great Sir Christopher Lee, an acting titan who could do no wrong in my book. Having just returned to the big screen in a big way as Saruman the wizard in Fellowship of the Ring, Lee waltzed into Star Wars like he owned the place. Sure, his presence in Clones is very sudden and largely unexplained until the third act, but I have no qualms with his existence in the story. The Clone Wars TV show does an excellent job of fleshing out Dooku's background, especially his devotion to Darth Sidious. Fans like to giggle at Dooku's name for obvious reasons, but I always found his name and title of "Count" were clever misnomers given his use of "Tyranus" when he's doing his master's bidding.

I think some fans struggle with Dooku's sudden inclusion in Sidious's plot because A) Dooku is not in Episode I and B) How could Sidious replace Darth Maul so fast?

*Minor spoiler*

The fully canon Clone Wars show and non-canon Darth Plagueis novel reveal Palpatine's recruitment of Dooku while the former is still training Maul. If you think about it, it makes sense that someone as meticulous as Sidious would not only have a backup for Darth Maul, but a former Jedi and statesman to boot who can leverage his influence to escalate Sidious's manufactured war. I find Dooku's backstory very intriguing which is why it pains me that we didn't meet him in The Phantom Menace. I'm not saying the entire Sith conspiracy needed to be revealed out of the gate, but it would have been cool to see Senator Palpatine and still-Jedi Master Dooku just having a conversation or two to establish that they had some kind of relationship. Maybe Dooku could have chatted up Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in the Jedi temple as well, twisting the knife even deeper when Dooku takes Obi-Wan prisoner halfway through Episode II.

Count Dooku was my father. Call me Tyranus, baby.

I view Dooku and Maul as two sides of a coin. Maul's the enforcer and assassin, Dooku's the influential diplomat who can throw down if you push him. When Maul returns in the Clone Wars show, there's no love loss between he and Dooku. Imagine if Darth Maul had truly survived Episode I and tracked down Kenobi to Geonosis on a revenge mission halfway through Episode II. The two of them engage in battle. Maul has the upper hand when Dooku shows up, disguising his identity by using his old green lightsaber and saving Kenobi's life. Whether Maul survives that second fight or not, Dooku's attempt on Maul's life would make sense given their rivalry to be Sidious's one true apprentice. Obi-Wan would at least momentarily trust Dooku and the final fight at the end when Yoda saves the day would have even more emotional resonance.

THE CLONE ARMY CONSPIRACY. Ever since Old Ben Kenobi mentioned fighting alongside Luke's father during the Clone Wars in New Hope, we had to imagine what that war was and when it took place. Almost no reference is made to the war again during Episodes V and VI aside from Kenobi's Force ghost reminiscing with Luke about Anakin's downfall. Episode II's title, Attack of the Clones, made lots of waves when the first trailer released in late 2001. That was the first time since New Hope that the word "clone" was used in a Star Wars movie and it gave pause to most fans, even those still reeling from The Phantom Menace. The word "attack" also threw people off, conjuring images of our heroes suddenly being accosted by clones. What kind of clones, though?

Not those clones.

The answer was even more intricate than I anticipated. The clones, as it turns out, are a manufactured army for the Republic, all of whom are cloned from a bounty hunter named Jango Fett. Let's take it back a few steps and really examine how this comes to fruition.

Obi-Wan first catches on to Jango Fett after Fett and another bounty hunter attempt to assassinate Padme at the beginning of the film. Fett kills his own colleague with a poison dart to prevent the latter from blabbing to the Jedi, and this piece of evidence eventually leads Kenobi to a mysterious planet called Kamino. What makes Kamino even more intriguing is the fact that its existence has been erased from the Jedi archive (presumably by Dooku) to hide it from prying eyes. When Obi-Wan arrives on the planet, he's greeted by a couple of long-necked Kaminoans who accept his arrival without question since the order for the army was made by slain Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas, a character we never meet in the movies. Knowing that Master Dyas has been dead for some time, Obi-Wan realizes something is amiss.

Further investigation brings Obi-Wan face to face with Jango Fett and his "son" Boba. Boba Fett, who we all love and know as everybody's favorite bounty hunter from the OT, turns out to be an unaltered clone that Jango decided to raise as a son. It was Jango's one requirement aside from his payout for being the clone donor. 

Okay. There's a lot happening here. It's all very interesting, but even after seeing Episode II countless times, this situation still begs a lot of questions. Who was Sifo-Dyas and why are we just now learning about him? What made Jango Fett the prime candidate to serve as the template for an entire army? Even assuming we can gather that Sidious and Dooku had some hand in this secret, when did they commission Fett for the task?

Jango does say he takes his orders from "someone named Tyranus" which is our biggest clue as the audience that the Sith are involved. Granted, the name Tyranus is only used one more time in Episode II towards the end when Sidious greets Dooku on Coruscant, but by then we've gathered that Sidious definitely used Dooku to start the Clone Army. Still, the details remain vague within the context of the film, so a lot of us had to use our imaginations to fill in the gaps. From what I can gather outside of some non-canon books, Sifo-Dyas was killed by Dooku sometime around the beginning of Episode I. This was done in secret so that Dooku, who was leaving the Jedi order, could use Master Dyas's credentials to erase Kamino from the archives and assume his fellow Jedi's role on Kamino to order the clones for the Republic.

Trust me, there is a more detailed explanation of this on Wookieepedia derived from a few older books that delve into the Clone Army backstory (including my beloved Darth Plagueis), but now that only the movies and shows are canon aside from new books and comics, we're again required to formulate theories based only on canonical events. In the short term, this clone inception plot point is still very intriguing but also frustratingly ambiguous. Plagueis gives fans a bevy of answers to some of the most prominent vagaries from the prequels, so I genuinely hope Disney draws upon it at some point in the future. James Luceno, the author of Plagueis, has written many great Star Wars books. His most recent is called Tarkin and is thankfully part of canon. I'm yet to read it, but Grand Moff Tarkin has become an even richer character in the TV shows, so I'm thrilled to see what Luceno does in his first new-canon story.

Charming to the last.

The biggest revelation when seeing the Clone Army in full swing is the fact that they bear a striking resemblance to Imperial Stormtroopers. It's obvious that this army is destined to evolve into something more sinister, but we can't know for sure at this point in the saga when the Clone troopers transition into the Stormtroopers we recognize from New Hope. This was one of the more thought provoking quandaries from Episode II. Knowing at the time that Episode III was three years away sent me into a frenzy of debates with my friends about whether this meant that all Stormtroopers in the OT were clones or not (they aren't, but I'll elaborate more on that in my reviews of Episodes III and IV). Additionally, the main drawback from the clones' Fett lineage was the feeling that the Star Wars universe had shrunk a bit. Much like the unneeded detail of Anakin building C-3PO, the dawn of the Imperial Army descending from Jango Fett's DNA seems to narrow the scope of the larger saga.

On the other hand, it does make sense that we never see Boba Fett remove his helmet in the OT since his face is one of the most recognized in the galaxy. This will be an incredibly important detail when and if Lucasfilm incorporates Boba Fett into an anthology movie. The fact that Boba is identical to the clones would put him at a disadvantage for the rest of his life, so his Mandalorian armor not only makes him look cool, it gives him some level of anonymity.

Call me a clone one more time.

Even though having Boba Fett and the Stormtroopers' origins intertwine seemed a little forced at the time, the fact that it poses interesting questions about how Boba develops an identity in the years between Episodes II and IV is a testament to the risks taken by George Lucas in this movie. Not all of the risks pay off, but the Clone Wars show rapidly expands our perspective of what it means to be a Clone trooper and demonstrates that not every clone is homogeneous. Given that the army clones have an accelerated growth rate and Boba Fett doesn't, I wonder how an elderly, New Hope-era clone would react to seeing an unmasked, mid-twenties Boba.

Fans of the TV shows may know of Rex, a clone and former leader during the Clone Wars who does not comply with Order 66, the Emperor's decree to murder the entire Jedi Order. The Rebels show is already delving into Rex's adjustment to living as a fugitive from the Empire and how he functions as one of the newest assets of the Galactic Rebellion. What I love about this particular story arc is that it shows how literal clones of the same person (in this case Jango Fett, a notorious bounty hunter and criminal) can evolve into people on completely different ends of the moral spectrum.

Moving on for now...

To...MACE WINDU. Overall, I really do like Windu and with someone as esteemed as Samuel L. Jackson playing the role, you'd expect this Jedi Master would be one of the most engaging peripheral characters. This is true to some extent, but Lucas's direction of Sam Jackson is such a missed opportunity. Mace Windu's scenes in Episode I are borderline forgettable, so there was a huge appetite going into Episode II to see Yoda's most revered colleague in action. Lucas even honored Jackson's wish to wield the first purple lightsaber in the series.

 

Actually, it's just getting started.

Windu's Jedi assault on Dooku's stronghold on Geonosis is one of the more exciting points in the film. It's the first and only time in the saga that we see a small army of Jedi all igniting their lightsabers at once, but it's a mixed bag of a sequence. Windu kicks things off in the clip above to save Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padme from execution. What proceeds is a fairly engaging battle that's entertaining and yet, it throws in some questionable gags with C-3PO and the abrupt death of Jango Fett. 

While Jedi are being slaughtered by battle droids all around him, C-3PO (who in this scene has the body of a battle droid due to distinctly unfunny hijinks on a factory assembly line) keeps yelling out comedic gems like this:

Goddamnit.

Let me say that I adore C-3PO. 3PO from the OT, that is. So to see him Jar-Jarred up in this scene profoundly saddened me. If Lucas had just left 3PO out of this scene, the underlying gravity of Jedi dying en masse would remain intact at the very least. Ignoring this issue as much as possible, it's still cool to see so many Jedi running around fighting, especially Mace Windu.

After a harrowing leap from Dooku's perch into the arena below, Windu wipes out dozens of battle droids. Noticing Windu's impact on the fight, Jango Fett joins the proceedings until he and Windu come face to face. You might recall that Jango really held his own in a hand to hand fight with Obi-Wan on Kamino. The difference in this scenario is that Windu is readily armed and more powerful than Obi-Wan Kenobi. Jango is quickly outclassed and casually beheaded by the superior Jedi warrior. I don't have a problem with the logic of Windu wasting Jango Fett. What upsets me is that Jango's death felt like George Lucas just needed the character to go away. True, it sets up Boba to pursue his father's line of work, but there's no true payoff after Jango dies. We simply don't see Boba again until Episode V (or Episode IV if you count that abysmal special edition scene with CGI Jabba where Boba walks onscreen for two seconds). Many fans were hoping to see a vengeful Boba Fett gunning for Mace Windu in Episode III. This led to speculation that a young Boba might make a name for himself by assassinating one of the galaxy's most famous Jedi.

***Side Note*** Young Boba Fett does pursue vengeance against Windu in the Clone Wars series. I won't say much about it other than it was very satisfying to see the writers of that show acknowledge the need to address the impact of Boba Fett witnessing his father's death. Trust me, just watch it.

I'll save my analysis of Windu's eventual fate for my review of Episode III, but Boba Fett played no role in it, nor did he even make a walk-on appearance in the third prequel. So that's it. Just like Darth Maul, George Lucas giveth, and George Lucas taketh away. Oh, what could have been.

Jango, we hardly knew ye.

What didn't work? I won't dish on every little nitpick I have with Attack of the Clones because overall I found it far more interesting and plot-driven than The Phantom Menace. I'd be remiss, however, if I didn't tackle the largest issue facing this film, and that would be Hayden Christensen. Talk about bantha fodder. After a tough round of witnessing Anakin as a vacuous child, fans needed a palate cleanser in Episode II. Surely as an older Jedi Padawan, Anakin would be a badass now, flying around the galaxy and suffering no fools.

The first time I read news of Christensen's casting, I was optimistic. I hadn't seen him in any other films at the time, but I could see him as a Skywalker. With the exception of Liam Neeson's Qui-Gon Jinn and Ian McDiarmid's Palpatine, almost no actor in the prequels could avoid at least some wooden acting scenes. Natalie Portman, Sam Jackson, and Ewan McGregor all struggled with Lucas's scripts, but they didn't make me question the fourth wall like Hayden Christensen. If you take lines such as "I'm haunted by the kiss you shouldn't have given me," and "You're in my very soul, tormenting me," then toss in some shit acting with little to no direction from the perpetually aloof Lucas, you're left with an abundance of truly egregious attempts at romantic scenes.

I don't seem to recall Han Solo and Princess Leia galavanting through the Naboo meadows or laughing over political differences. Theirs was a gradual romance that manifested itself organically over the course of three films. They also had the right amount of friction to make their flirtatious scenes engaging, whereas Anakin just homicidally yells about something while Padme rightfully looks on with palpable unease.

George Lucas is gifted at conceiving a central story, but fleshing one out with rewrites and character development was not a course he was willing to take with the prequels. Anakin and Padme's romance in this film is purely by the numbers, and the plot suffers as a result. It all really comes back to Christensen's inability to sell anything he's doing outside of holding a lightsaber.

The Clone Wars show came to the rescue again regarding Anakin and his relationship with Padme. Padme actually saves Anakin's ass once or twice, proving where Leia gets her fighting tenacity. The two of them are always eager to see each after months of separation, but their reunions are typically soft spoken and surprisingly moving.

Movie wise, Anakin and Padme become marginally more believable by Episode III. The closing shot in Episode II of them marrying, however, feels totally unearned by the end. Besides, I don't see the practical benefit of them marrying so soon. They barely know each other and both stand to lose a lot if they're exposed. By all means keep exploring your relationship guys, just give it a year or two to marinate first.

The agony of passionate romance.

Just so I can give Anakin some props in this film, I'll point out that his brief return to Tatooine had poignancy. Revisiting the Lars moisture farm from New Hope and seeing the younger Owen and Beru brought on some serious nostalgia. I also appreciated the scene when Anakin's mother dies in the Tusken Raider camp. Anakin's desire to kill the Raiders is effective, but I wish the scene had lasted longer. Seeing Anakin go apeshit on a village of Tusken Raiders would have been truly unsettling. Let's say Anakin gets disarmed over the course of that fight by half a dozen or so Raiders pounding the tar out of him with their gaffi sticks. He then has to resort to breaking necks and cracking skulls with the Force which would have been a real sendup of Darth Vader. In that vein, Anakin should have also kept his killing spree a secret. Lying to himself about his darker nature makes sense if he didn't want to frighten Padme and it would have intensified the uncertainty of their relationship.

Anakin does take part in my favorite scene of the film, the final showdown with Count Dooku. The setup for the duel is a little clunky, but once Anakin and Obi-Wan catch up to Dooku, it's hard to be upset. Anakin rushes at Dooku only for the Sith lord to pound him with FORCE LIGHTNING! Holy hell, that was the first time since Return of the Jedi that we'd seen that crazy business. With Dooku wielding Force lightning, it was clear Sidious's new apprentice had transcended his predecessor, Darth Maul. Obi-Wan gives Dooku his best shot, is defeated and nearly killed when Anakin gets a second wind and saves Kenobi's life. Dooku makes quick work of Anakin as well, punctuating the domination by amputating Anakin's right arm Empire Strikes Back style.

We think it's over when Yoda arrives on the scene to have words with his former Padawan, Dooku. What happens next divides some fans, but I unabashedly LOVE Yoda fighting with a lightsaber. The two first engage in some Force sparring. Yoda neutralizes Dooku's lightning and the two of them hurl some debris around the room. There's no denying that the following shot elicited squeals of sweaty man glee across millions of theaters in May 2002:

F#%&ed, you are.

Yoda's frenzied dueling style was a bit of a gamble for Lucas, but it paid off big time with most fans. The primary complaint I've heard from some is that the Yoda we know from Episode V seemed beyond needing a lightsaber, much like the Emperor. I understand this sentiment, but Episode II is an era of Star Wars when Jedi were still actively fighting to protect the Republic, so they all carried lightsabers. Most of the time, it didn't seem like Yoda needed his weapon, saving it only for close quarters combat. Dooku flat out challenges Yoda to a duel and after getting his ass handed to him, Dooku puts Obi-Wan and Anakin in danger to distract Yoda. Dooku escapes to fight another day, but not without eating a big slice of humble pie from his former Master.

All of these events lead to an enticing denouement as the Jedi and Republic gather their forces to mount a campaign against the organized star systems now calling themselves the Separatists. This resistance is revealed to be led by Count Dooku who made his intentions clear by trying to execute several Jedi over the course of the movie. Confused? Sidious as Palpatine has ascended to Supreme Chancellor of the Republic and been granted emergency powers to mobilize the Clone Army. He's entrusted his apprentice to lead the other side in an escalating war that the Sith lords are manipulating into existence. At one point in the film, Dooku is discussing secret plans with other Separatist leaders when he produces a familiar image from his holocron:

Not yet fully operational.

This is another cool detail that provides ample opportunity for future projects to explore. Dooku is using the Separatist cause to fund the construction of the Death Star which is actually intended for Palpatine and his future Empire. The first Star Wars anthology film is releasing one year after The Force Awakens. It's entitled "Rogue One" and takes place shortly before the events in Episode IV. The film will revolve around a group of Rebels who go on a secret mission to obtain the plans for the Death Star that end up hidden in R2-D2 by Leia. There's speculation that everyone from Vader to Kenobi might appear in the movie, but its central story will be more akin to a war film like Saving Private Ryan. I'd really like to see Dooku's role in the Death Star's creation play into the plot somehow. How crazy would it be if Dooku's holocron is somehow discovered by the Rebels and those are the plans? And yet to recover them they have to retrace Dooku's final days in the Clone Wars. That would be pretty sweet.

Another one of my favorite scenes arrives at the end when Dooku is rendezvousing with Sidious on Coruscant. Sidious confirms Dooku's Sith moniker by addressing him as "Lord Tyranus."

By that Sidious means "Thanks for not getting cut in half."

The scene is brief, much like Sidious and Maul's from Episode I, but it clarifies the complicity of Dooku in the greater scheme of the oncoming war. Their conversation sets the stage for Sidious to crank it to 11 in Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, by far my favorite of the prequels. Earlier in the movie, the ingenuity of Sidious's plans proves its value when Dooku essentially tells Obi-Wan the truth about a Sith Lord named Sidious who is in control of the Republic. Obi-Wan completely disregards Dooku's story as a lie since it seems so outlandish. We all see that Palpatine and Sidious are one and the same, but our heroes are blind to it.

The machinations of the Sith pose so many interesting questions and theories. By the end of Attack of the Clones, it's clear that the final pieces are moving into place for Sidious. As Palpatine, he's taken an interest in Anakin and begun mentoring him after recognizing the latter's abundant strength in the Force. Even though Epiosde VII is set some fifty-odd years after the prequels, the Sith have existed for millennia. J.J. Abrams has stopped short of saying the prominently featured Kylo Ren character is a Sith although it's clear he uses a red lightsaber and models his look after Vader. Not all Dark Side users in Star Wars are Sith and the Rule of Two is a loose one at best. While there's always a master and an apprentice, they both usually have a bench of one or two additional Dark Side users. Regardless of how Abrams incorporates the mythology of the Sith into TFA, it's safe to bet that fans expect consistency with canon.

Well there you have it, you Bothans and Nerf Herders. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is a flawed installment to be sure, but it serves up its fair share of enjoyable moments and kicks Darth Sidious's plans into high gear. Episode III is a jam packed chapter, so brace yourselves for a very spirited and indulgent retrospective on the bridging installment between the film trilogies.

Next time, on Limited Commercial Interruption...

Episode I: The Menace of Squandered Opportunity

With Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (TFA) due to hit theaters in (gasp!) two weeks, my wife has withstood constant barrages from me regarding plot theories for the upcoming sequel and how it will tie into the six existing films as well as other Disney-approved "canon" like the Clone Wars and Rebels TV series, the new books, and the comics. I only include quotes around the word canon to honor the countless books and stories we saw prior to Disney's acquisition of Star Wars in 2012 that have now been scrapped due to the impossibility of incorporating them into future Star Wars projects. I know it hurts that we may not see Admiral Thrawn, Dash Rendar, or Palpatine's clone on the silver screen, but I find it to be a worthwhile tradeoff for a Star Wars universe that will, over time, be a much more connected and unified world. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

I love Star Wars. Like, a lot. Like many fans, I've spent the past three years salivating over every sliver of news about TFA and the projects that will follow in its wake. Loving Star Wars is an emotional experience if you really, truly care about that galaxy far, far away. For me, that means facing and accepting the prequels for what they are despite the litany of gags and missteps you'll see me revisit if you read this entire six part retrospective. Be that as it may, my series on the six saga films is an attempt to channel my Star Wars fever into an acceptable medium instead of offering unsolicited speculation to my lovely and patient wife about how Darth Plagueis might make an appearance in TFA. I also intend to connect the dots as much as possible between these six films while making reference to Clone Wars and Rebels. So yes, there will be complete SPOILERS for the six main films as well as minor spoilers from the TV shows, so read carefully!

Whenever I meet somebody who has never seen a Star Wars film, I always recommend watching the original trilogy (OT) first. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (or "Star Wars") should always be the launch pad for newcomers to the franchise, no matter their age. It truly sets the tone of what makes Star Wars so great: practical effects, cheeky dialogue, relatable heroes, a tremendous villain, jaw-dropping space battles, you name it. Once a new fan has finished Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, they typically want to see the prequels to learn more about the galaxy. While the prequels are still a tough pill to swallow for most, they're much more enjoyable if they're not your first Star Wars experience. In fact, if you tell someone to watch Episode I: The Phantom Menace first, you've likely doomed that person's potential enjoyment of a franchise that's about to become bigger than ever. Additionally, I think the only way to overcome the blood-boiling inclusion of Jar Jar Binks is to have those original three films under your belt as a reminder of what Star Wars is at its best.

Meesa Unnecessary!

So why review the six movies in chronological order if my philosophy is watching IV-VI before I-III? My intent is to roll into TFA with the entire saga fresh in my mind so I can catch every reference and Easter egg J.J. Abrams has thrown into the new story. And so we begin with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, the most hyped Star Wars film of all time until The Force Awakens releases on December 18. Numerous fans have laid out their gripes before: I was so excited for Star Wars to come back and then I saw Episode I. Jar Jar sucks. The writing is bad. Too much CGI. Midichlorians. Young Anakin is a wanker. Why does his mom, Shmi, basically have the same name as Captain Hook's sidekick?

When I first saw Menace, I was twelve years old and about ten thousand times more forgiving. While I did find Jar Jar unpleasant, I was more caught up in the pod race, the Jedi and the looming threat of Darth Maul. I saw Menace in theaters at least three times and I genuinely enjoyed it. But in the case of this movie, time doesn't heal all wounds, it reopens and infects them. In the sixteen years since Menace's release, I've begrudgingly thrown my DVD or blu-ray of the film in only to see how poorly CGI holds up after a decade or more. There are exceptions like The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but Menace, like most of the special edition scenes of IV-VI, has aged like so many pounds of liverwurst left out in the Florida sun. The OT's original scenes, by comparison, hold up remarkably well after more than thirty years.

What worked in Episode I?

It made Star Wars BIGGER. New planets, more Jedi, a name for what Darth Vader, Darth Maul and the Emperor really are: Sith. I can't complain about most of the casting, either. Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman are all talented actors but even they struggled to lift the wooden dialogue out of paralysis. I had no problem with most of the CGI used in the space battle scenes, either. The static backdrop of outer space allowed the animators to focus on vibrant looking ships and planets.

LIGHTSABERS, BRO. Damn, did this film up the lightsaber game for Star Wars. Whether George Lucas intended or not, the buildup for the warmup battle between Qui-Gon Jinn and Darth Maul was palpable and raised the tension for the climactic duel towards the end. The introduction of "Duel of Fates" by John Williams underscores the millennia-long battle between the Jedi and Sith. And even though Darth Maul's double-ended lightsaber was spoiled in the trailers, its reveal in the context of the film is also cool as hell. It's a shame, however, that Maul is the only character in the existing movies to brandish a weapon like that.

SIDIOUS. Long before the prequels, I had an obsession with Darth Vader's boss, the Emperor. After two films in the OT of Vader scaring the bejesus out of our heroes and the audience, Return of the Jedi introduced us (in person, not a hologram) to the guy who scares Vader. Up until then we're wondering, who is this Emperor? Is he just a whiny politician like those mooks at the Death Star meeting in A New Hope? Why does Vader take orders from him? Then, within minutes of the opening crawl of Episode I, we see a hologram of Darth Sidious, a character we immediately recognize as the Emperor, not least of all because the incomparable Ian McDiarmid reprised the role for the prequels and his voice is unmistakable. Some fans like to roll their eyes at the idea of attempting to shroud Sidious's identity since we as fans also know the name Palpatine and can easily discern that Senator Palpatine, played by McDiarmid, is Sidious's alter ego. This is another instance when I'll give George Lucas his due. He introduces holograms of both Sidious and Palpatine in the beginning of Menace to get fans in on the secret that the characters within the story won't figure out until Episode III. It's similar to the journey Lucas wanted us to take with Anakin Skywalker, but this is more interesting to me because an argument could be made that the prequels are really the Emperor's story as he is the actual puppet master who dupes everybody, including Anakin. But more on that later...

DARTH MAUL. Duh. Almost every Star Wars fan adores Darth Maul. How could you not? He basically looks like Satan with a lightsaber and fella, that had me sold on Episode I long before it hit theaters. The realization that "Darth" was a title opened up so many avenues for the mythology of the Sith to become a subgenre of Star Wars in its own right. And it has. Although no longer official canon, I can't praise Darth Plagueis by James Luceno nearly enough. Without spoiling too much, I will say that the book deepens Palpatine's motivations for setting the Clone Wars in motion and restoring the Sith Empire. If Star Wars fans never get to see some form of Darth Plagueis on the screen, be it in TFA or an anthology film, it would be a crime worthy of a Sarlacc execution. The biggest mistake Lucas made with Darth Maul wasn't just killing him in the final battle, it was dangling Maul like a carrot in front of the audience between the two dozen or so Jar Jar fart humor scenes just to keep us clinging to hope.

CORUSCANT. This planet is actually a layover from Shadows of the Empire, another excellent book set between IV and V that's no longer canon. Menace, however, brought Coruscant into radiant existence as the home to the Galactic Senate and the Jedi Council. This is a planet I do hope to see more of in future films, although I'd prefer to see it with more real sets and practical effects, reserving CGI for the wide shots. The idea of Coruscant as the Galactic capital is significant and is likely to play some kind of role in TFA, even if it's offscreen. Whether Coruscant was reclaimed by the new Republic after the fall of the Empire in VI or has been left to fester with criminals and Imperial outcasts remains to be seen, but I don't see how Abrams could ignore it completely. Plus, I'd just really love to see a dilapidated ruin of the Senate Rotunda, similar to the shots we've seen of Rey in TFA trailers wandering through a fallen Imperial Destroyer:

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN. I'll be the first to admit that aside from the final duel, this isn't Obi-Wan's best outing. His dialogue is stilted and his demeanor is overly cavalier considering the fact that he and his master have inadvertently discovered the "Chosen One" in Anakin Skywalker while uncovering the resurgence of their most significant historic foe, the Sith. Still, Neeson and McGregor play well off one another, and Neeson does a decent job of selling Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon is established as a bit of a rogue, usurping the Council's wishes to distance Anakin from the Jedi. He follows his gut and despite his wisdom, he comes off as reckless to others, even Obi-Wan. His death had an impact on the audience and Obi-Wan, but I feel like Lucas really blew it by dishing out instant gratification when Maul "dies" by being cut in half at the end of his duel with Kenobi. Theirs is a rivalry that should have lived on through Episode II at the very least. 

***Side note*** 

The Clone Wars caved in to fans' demands and brought Darth Maul back into the universe. If you're a Star Wars fan and haven't watched that series, you must. It's not only done well, it adds so much more depth to all three prequel films. Set between Episodes II and III, the series takes the characters, settings and events from the prequels and hands them off to enthusiastic, talented writers who make the material better. The return of Maul opens up several exciting doors, not least of all a possible appearance in Disney and Lucasfilm's planned Kenobi anthology film set between III and IV. I'd love to see McGregor come back as a grayer Kenobi and make his final stand against Maul in a duel to the death. Maybe Maul has caught wind of Luke Skywalker living on Tatooine and Obi-Wan intervenes to protect the boy. The possibilities are endless!

Rematch, please!

POD RACING. I'm not saying this scene is above reproach, but it does deliver genuine thrills and showcases some of the best sound design in the entire series. My biggest gripe with the sequence is the stupid arena where it takes place. The two-headed announcer and his quips are almost as maddening as Jar Jar. Almost. The in between shots of Shmi, Jar Jar, Qui-Gon and Padme watching the race on their galactic iPad also do nothing to serve the story. But during the nearly ten minute sequence, I almost forget how much 10 year-old Anakin sucks and, dare I say it, start rooting for him. Then the race is over and the audience is reminded that Anakin can speak. It was nice while it lasted.

This brings me to my biggest gripes with The Phantom Menace. To list them all would be an exercise in misery, and I've already outlined a good many in my "positive" section. In my mind, there are two major issues with Episode I aside from Lucas's inability to write compelling dialogue: Young Anakin Skywalker and Jar Jar Binks. True, there's no shortage of garbage moments peppered throughout the film, but the improvement of Anakin's character development and the complete absence of Jar Jar would have done a lot to salvage a script that had a promising skeleton of a story. But alas, George Lucas wasn't entertaining much input during the 1997-2005 production cycle of the prequels.

Let's start with Anakin. Played by Jake Lloyd from 1996's Jingle All the Way, this character was thankless nearly from the start. Many fans dog pile on Lloyd's portrayal, but there's no denying his dialogue is trash from start to finish:

Thanks for the clarification.

Lucas's choice to make him a child instead of a teenager is strange to begin with, especially since Natalie Portman's Padme Amidala character seems SO much older. Given that Anakin and Padme are destined to marry, this relationship gives off the vibe of a boy growing up to score with his babysitter which seems like a fantasy that resonates more with George Lucas than his intended audience. If I were in Padme's shoes, I would have told that kid to scram right away. He's shrill and overly confident, and our merry band of heroes seems to merely tolerate him. 

I'm not arguing that a child can't be a compelling protagonist. Daniel Radcliffe's Harry Potter was easy to root for not only because Radcliffe actually has some acting chops, but his story is an exciting one with beats that make sense. Menace's version of Anakin, however, is a muddled rendition of Luke's story arc from the OT. I have no problem with echoing story lines, but the idea of Qui-Gon stumbling upon some brat with a bowl cut who's "The One" makes little sense to me. Luke wasn't "The One." Luke was a guy who had to take action after his home was destroyed.

Had Anakin been 17 or 18 at the beginning of Menace like Luke was in New Hope, that would make more thematic sense while lending credence to Anakin's plight. Let's say Anakin first runs into Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in a cantina. Anakin is rebellious by nature which is why he's grabbing a pint of Jawa Juice after a long afternoon of drag racing his pod in Beggar's Canyon. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are asking around for parts to get their ship back in the air when some local bounty hunters start some shit. The Jedi don't want to draw attention by using the Force or their lightsabers, so they engage their enemies with old fashioned fisticuffs. Anakin, loose after a couple of drinks, is no friend of these bounty hunters, so he joins in on the fight. He's somewhat capable of using the Force already, but he's uneducated in knowing how to channel it. His anger gets the best of him, and he kills one of the bounty hunters in the fight by Force pushing him across the cantina, breaking his neck. The other bounty hunter runs off to tell his boss, Jabba the Hutt, that the local Skywalker kid offed one of Jabba's best hired assassins. This starts a local conflict that culminates in the Jedi and Anakin nearly escaping Tatooine with his mother in tow only for Darth Maul, looking for the Jedi, to show up and kill her just as the ship is taking off. Anakin watches in rage and despair from the ship as Maul stands over his mother's corpse in the sand. Bam, we suddenly care about Anakin and his origin effectively echoes Luke's.

But that's not what happened. My version of Anakin's origin is just one half-cocked piece of fan fiction that pales in comparison to what someone as talented as Abrams would have done with Episode I and yet I'm confident that most fans would find my fantasy far preferable to what we got. Because Anakin's entry into the story is so underwhelming, the audience can't help but mentally shuffle him into the periphery in favor of focusing on the Jedi and Sith as they are the most engaging aspects of this first prequel film. One has to consciously remind oneself that THIS IS ANAKIN SKYWALKER AND HE BECOMES DARTH VADER. This is why at times Menace feels like a mandatory history assignment as told through the monotone voice of a writer who cares more about laying out the literal events that happened instead of focusing on what drove the people who perpetrated those events. I wish I could say Anakin got better in Episodes II and III as the character aged, but most people know how that worked out. The Clone Wars series is the only established canon thus far that deepens Anakin's story through good writing and a convincing voice actor who runs circles around Hayden Christensen's live action performance in the prequels. More on HC in subsequent entries...

No, Anakin. It isn't.

While Anakin's squandered entry into the series is uniquely disappointing, Jar Jar Binks will always be the greatest slight Episode I made against its fans. To say this character is annoying would be an understatement of galactic proportions. I'd argue that not only is Jar Jar the singular black hole of suckitude in Menace, he's the most embarrassing and disheartening character in the entire saga. I hate Jar Jar so much that I have to actively remind myself that the man who played him, Ahmed Best, is a nice character actor who, no pun  intended, truly did his best. I really feel bad for that guy. Thankfully for him, most people don't recognize him since Jar Jar is all CGI, but he knows almost nobody on the planet likes the character he played in Star Wars, one of the biggest movie franchises in history. That just has to hurt.

George Lucas has always staunchly defended Jar Jar as comic relief for younger viewers, but I call hooey on that. C-3PO and R2-D2, if used properly, would have done plenty to cut tension between battles and more serious scenes. True, Lucas's decision to have Anakin build C-3PO was another nauseating plot choice, but it was even worse given that Lucas utterly emasculates 3PO by having the droid appear "naked" during his short stint in the film.

There is no God.

Another reason I call BS on the comic relief excuse is that Jar Jar takes up a disproportionate amount of screen time that could have been better used on, say, more scenes with Maul and Sidious for starters. The one scene the Sith lords have together that isn't a hologram lasts for about twenty seconds, but it's one of the most important pieces of plot the film has to offer:

Why didn't we get more of this?

By the end of the film, Jar Jar isn't just beating a dead horse, he's criminally overstaying his welcome onscreen. The climactic kickass lightsaber duel is mitigated by hideous CGI battle scenes of Jar Jar unwittingly defeating battle droids that look less threatening than fiberglass classroom skeletons. At the beginning of Menace, it's nearly impossible for the audience to overlook how easily Qui-Gon could have left Jar Jar on Naboo. Sure, Anakin was also a questionable pain in the ass to bring along, but at least he was a character that the story required. Jar Jar shows up literally out of nowhere and after proving himself to be an unwavering idiot and liability, Qui-Gon decides to bring him back to Coruscant. What was Qui-Gon's plan? Train Jar Jar as a Jedi? Help him find a reasonable one bedroom apartment near the Galactic Capital? I just don't get it. If Qui-Gon's only goal was to prevent Jar Jar from being executed by his own people, it could have been achieved through various methods that wouldn't have required a conspicuous and obnoxious Gungan to tag along on what was supposed to be a clandestine Jedi mission.

Obi-Wan momentarily considers murder.

If only Neeson could have used his "particular set of skills" from Taken on this Jar Jar jabroni. Better yet, I'd love to see a short fan film that depicts how Rick Grimes of The Walking Dead would deal with Jar Jar as a herd of the undead approach them. After the first "Exsqueeze me!" Rick would shank Jar Jar right in the base of his skull and the world would be a safer, more sensible place.

The Phantom Menace is more sour than sweet, much like the film that followed in its wake, Attack of the Clones, which I'll delve into in my next entry. However, there are a handful of flickering moments that do succeed on a cinematic level, including one of my favorite shots of the saga:

Hail, Satan.

What gives me hope is what I've seen done with Menace's plot in the expanded universe of Star Wars. The Plagueis novel, although not canon, sets the stage for the Sith to execute their thousand-year revenge. The Clone Wars series also runs with the best parts of this story. Bringing Darth Maul back and using his feelings of betrayal toward his former master, Sidious, to motivate him into jeopardizing the greater Sith Lord's plans to overthrow the Republic leads to an amazing story arc, as does Maul's obsession with killing Obi-Wan Kenobi. That's the trick. Put stock into your audience's emotional intelligence by exploring what motivates the characters, and the story becomes organic. That was the success of the Original Trilogy and from what I've seen teased of The Force Awakens, I'm getting the sense that the Force is strong with J.J. Abrams as well as the wizards at Disney who have changed the game with their handling of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Anthology films are the next unprecedented chapter for the Star Wars Universe. It's no surprise that Disney is seeking to capitalize on their investment by making as many Star Wars movies as possible which jitters some of the fan base. In a world with seven Fast and the Furious movies, many of which are solid action films, why should we be so worried that Lucasfilm, under the new leadership of Kathleen Kennedy and Disney CEO Bob Iger, can't be trusted to source the right directing talent for these projects? So far they've assembled an incredible and diverse lineup of directors and writers for the upcoming films, just like Disney's done with all of their Marvel movies. Even the weakest Marvel entries like Thor 2 and Iron Man 3 are still very watchable movies, and both are better than fringe superhero outings like Amazing Spider-Man 2 or 2015's Fantastic Four.

What did you think of Fantastic Four, Cap?

To be clear, saga films are the episodic entries in the Star Wars story like Episodes I-VI and now the upcoming VII-IX. Anthology films are the cinematic equivalent of spinoffs, free to explore any era of Star Wars in perpetuity. Talk about possibilities. As demonstrated by the interconnectivity of The Clone Wars and Rebels shows to the events in both existing film trilogies, I'm confident and excited that the next several years will usher in a new era of Star Wars that will weave the prequels into a greater context that diminishes their tarnish on the franchise. As a fan, I can say that The Phantom Menace is by far my least favorite Star Wars film, but because of my fandom I can't help but focus on what it did right. Call me naive, but I'll bet that if my wish of a Kenobi/Maul grudge match becomes an onscreen reality, fans will rejoice at having experienced their rivalry for the first time in 1999. That's just one of what I hope will be many payoffs from George Lucas and his prequel sideshow. For better or worse, The Phantom Menace has left a tremendous impact on the series so we must place our hope in the future and trust that Abrams and his colleagues have learned what not to do.

Until next time...